HEARTBREAKING WORK OF STAGGERING GENIUS

I don't believe in God but I miss him.

The hanging of Saddam Hussein was meant to be, by the depraved standards of the Iraq war, something of a feel-good moment. President Bush saw it that way, or claimed to.

Can classes in positive psychology teach students not just to feel good but also to do good?

An Open Letter From Donald Trump to Randy Johnson

Dear Randy,
Let me make this short and sweet. You’re very ugly, and very tall. That's a combination that did not work for you in New York City, which is why the Yankees organization, after consulting with yours truly, has fired you. You may think you've been traded to the Arizona Whatevers, but if you are man enough to read between the lines, you will realize that you got fired because you could not cut it in New York.

You may wonder why Donald Trump is addressing and/or provoking you. Well, first you should shut up and just be honored, and second, it's because I'm close friends with George Steinbrenner. I sat with him in his private box on the days that you took the field and tried to throw the football in the direction of home base. I can tell you that on many of these occasions George Steinbrenner wept. He lavished you with an opportunity and millions of dollars and you repaid him with homeliness, a surly disposition and no trophies. Those are three ingredients that make up a true loser in the oldest sense of the word.

So you are going back to a loser city. There is nothing on the landscape there but tumbleweeds and old people. I'm sure that you will resume making love to cacti or whatever you do when you are not behind the wheel of your hot purple pick-up truck and its gun rack on the rear window and its bumper sticker that says "I ignore my adult daughter in Washington and I am massively ugly."

You're almost lizard like. When I envision you behind the wheel, from the waist down I see green legs and scaly feet. Beyond that you are a failure. Sure you have a World Series ring, but so do I. I have acquired fifteen of them from ballplayers around the country who were once successful and then couldn’t cut it. So I relieved them of their rings for a nominal fee. I then had all the rings melted into a large gold stick, which holds the toilet paper in place on one of my jets that I don't use very much. And let me tell you something. One ring doesn't mean much. Besides, Curt Schilling did all the work while you lollygagged. Look it up. The stats don't lie.

Derek Jeter tells me he did not like playing with you. Derek Jeter lives in Trump Tower for free because that's how generous I am. Derek Jeter studies my old business plans, because when he is done being a sportsman, he is going to desire a real career. I'll probably give him a job at one of my casinos as a greeter. This relationship will be mutually beneficial for the both of us, but not for you, because we got rid of you, because you were not a true Yankee like previous ballplayers such as Kenny Rogers, Herman Munson, or Donnie Baseball Mattingly.

People often insult me about my hairdo. I am a man, so I can accept that. Besides, I am a billionaire—successful in everything I touch. When I see your hairdo, I think "Jesus!" then I can't walk for about one hour. So get a haircut. Give me your World Series ring, and I will, as a gift, send you to my barber. While you are getting your hair cut, I will take your wife out for a piece of cheesecake. The best cheesecake in the country. Unless she is ugly. Then she can just wait in a nearby chair and read TRUMP the magazine. Provided she wears gloves.

Best wishes from here on out. And Good Bye!
DONALD TRUMP

PAST PREDICTION: Dallas at Seattle -- Romo. There's a name that probably never led to any teasing on the playground. The dream is over. Here's Terrell's last game for Dallas. I'm sure he will be sweet with the media afterwards. Expect Parcells to stalk the sidelines like a man who eats too many jiblets, smokes Misty cigarettes, and serves as a truant officer in Wildwood, NJ. Seattle 21-20.

LETTER FROM IWO JIMA:
In Clint Eastwood’s “Letters from Iwo Jima,” the Japanese star Ken Watanabe, who plays General Kuribayashi, the defender of the island, sweeps off his Army cap and snaps his head downward in an abrupt bow. This curt signature gesture, performed before his officers, is an expression of mastery and, at the same time, of submission—to duty, to Japan, and to death. Eastwood, in such movies as “Unforgiven,” “Million Dollar Baby,” and his two Iwo Jima films (“Letters” is a companion piece to “Flags of Our Fathers,” released last fall), has become the Ernest Hemingway of film directors, a man bound, by his own sense of duty, to celebrate valor in defeat. In the early scenes of “Flags of Our Fathers,” we experienced the vulnerability of the American marines: the Japanese Army, dug into caves and tunnels, lured the Americans onto the beach by holding their fire. Now, in a unique reversal of perspective, we are inside the caves and tunnels. Thrown among the Others—the foreigners hated for their seeming strangeness as much as for their threat—we find ourselves in the morally demanding but exhilarating position of rooting for them. They are outnumbered, they will not be reinforced, and their country expects them to die. They are men with families, wives, and even some benevolent feelings about their American foe. The movie leaves out any reference to Japanese atrocities in China and elsewhere, and this may rankle countries with bad memories of Japanese occupation. On Iwo Jima in 1945, however, the Japanese are not military fascists but men deciding how to die well. The movie, which is almost entirely in Japanese, and burnished with a scrupulous sense of respect, is an exploration of the varieties of stoicism.

“Letters from Iwo Jima,” taken together with “Flags,” is a considerable act of ethical imagination, and I wish I could say that it was also a great film. But both General Kuribayashi and his friend and fellow-officer Baron Nishi (Tsuyoshi Ihara), an Olympic equestrian before the war, are such idealized officer figures—modest and gallant—that they lose any serious interest as characters, and a lesser officer who pressures his men into suicide passes by too quickly to register as more than a will-driven fanatic. The young Japanese soldier Saigo (Kazunari Ninomiya), a gentle baker who was conscripted into the Army and just wants to get back to his family, is meant to be a life-affirming figure among the death cultists, but, as constructed by the screenwriter, Iris Yamashita, he’s a slight and bashful man who can’t carry the philosophical weight assigned to him. The movie was impressively shot by the cinematographer Tom Stern in the same style as “Flags”—largely in black-and-white, with occasional flashes of wine-dark blood or orange flame—but the many scenes in caves and tunnels induce claustrophobia. One could say that Eastwood had little choice: any Japanese soldier who stepped outside after the huge American force established itself on the island had to face devastating fire. The repetitiveness of the visual scheme is inherent in the authentic way that Eastwood conceived his two-part film. But the project lacks the variety of sensuous pleasures that a great movie has to provide.

Dear Whoever Said, "Close Only Counts In Horseshoes and Hand Grenades",

What about bidding on The Price Is Right?

Sincerely,
The Rhetorical Letter Writer



APPARENT Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12) What does my family do that annoys you?
13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?