THE WISDOM OF CHILDREN (new yorker)

I. A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the Kids’ Table

MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.
DAD: O.K.
GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.
DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.
UNCLE: I’m having sex right now.
DAD: We all are.
MOM: Let’s talk about which kid I like the best.
DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won’t tell.
MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.
FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!
DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.
MOM: I’m angry! I’m angry all of a sudden!
DAD: I’m angry, too! We’re angry at each other!
MOM: Now everything is fine.
DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.
MOM: There was a big sex.
FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!
(Everybody laughs.)
MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I’m crazy!
GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?
ALL: Yes.
GRANDFATHER: Don’t tell the kids.

II. A Day at UNICEF Headquarters, as I Imagined It in Third Grade
(UNICEF sits on a throne. He is wearing a cape and holding a sceptre. A servant enters, on his knees.)
UNICEF: Halloween is fast approaching! Have the third graders been given their little orange boxes?
SERVANT: Yes, your majesty!
UNICEF: Perfect. Did you tell them what the money was for?
SERVANT: No, sir, of course not! We just gave them the boxes and told them to collect for UNICEF. We said it was for “a good cause,” but we didn’t get any more specific than that.
UNICEF: Ha ha ha! Those fools! Soon I will have all the money in the world. For I am UNICEF, evil king of Halloween!
SERVANT: Sir . . . don’t you think you’ve stolen enough from the children? Maybe you should let them keep the money this year.
UNICEF: Never! The children shall toil forever to serve my greed!
(He tears open a little orange box full of coins and rubs them all over his fat stomach.)
UNICEF: Yes! Oh, yes!
SERVANT: Wait! Your majesty! Look at this! Our records indicate that there’s a kid out there—Simon—who’s planning to keep his UNICEF money this year.
UNICEF: What?! But what about my evil plans? I was going to give that money to the Russians so they could build a bomb!
SERVANT: (aside) I guess there’s still one hero left in this world.
UNICEF: No!
(He runs out of the castle, sobbing.)
SERVANT: Thank God Simon is keeping his UNICEF money.
SECOND SERVANT: Yes, it’s good that he’s keeping the money.
THIRD SERVANT: I agree. Simon is doing a good thing by keeping the money from the UNICEF box.
SERVANT: Then we’re all in agreement. Simon should keep the money.

NEWS
U.S. Bombards Iraq with Arcade Fire Hype

'Operation Relentless Overkill’ Pounds InsurgentsIn an effort to pummel Iraqi insurgents into submission, the United States today began pounding insurgent positions with promos for the overhyped new album by the indie rock band Arcade Fire.

Dubbing the new mission “Operation Relentless Overkill,” the U.S. military hopes that by bombarding Iraqi insurgents with Arcade Fire hype they will have “no choice” but to lay down their arms and purchase the new release, said General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

At a Pentagon briefing today, General Pace said that “Operation Relentless Overkill” was an attempt to use the Arcade Fire album to “hype and awe” the insurgents into losing the will to fight on.

“Across the U.S., Arcade Fire hype has forced normally rational Americans to drop whatever they’re doing and run out to buy this new record,” Gen. Pace said. “Hopefully, these insurgents will stop blowing up things and buy the record as well.”

But even as American cargo planes blanketed insurgent positions with reprints of Arcade Fire puff pieces from The New Yorker and The New York Times, Iraqi insurgents fiercely fought off the waves of relentless indie band hype.

Hassan El-Medfaii, a leading insurgent in the southern city of Basra, said that despite the relentless carpet-bombing of gushing Arcade Fire reviews, he was resisting attempts to compel him to buy the over-praised new CD.

“I know the Americans’ game, and I won’t fall for it,” Mr. El-Medfaii said. “They tried this a couple of years ago with The Strokes.”
Elsewhere, Vice President Al Gore announced that he would star in a new documentary entitled “An Inconvenient Girth.”

My brother swinging into Victoria Falls gorge:


My brother witnessing a bizarre lunchtime businessman ritual in Taipei:


See Line/Lion/Feist:


Alternate Titles for House of Flying Daggers
www.mcsweeneys.net

House of Boring Dialogue
House of Chinese Melodrama
House of Attempted Date Rape
House of Futons
House of Mostly Implied Fight Sequences
House of Disinterested Kissing
House of Maybe "Crouching Tiger" Wasn't So Bad After All
House of Possibly Filmed in Vancouver
House of Ancient China Blows
House of Holy Crap, the Seasons Just Changed Suddenly From Fall to Winter
During a Single Dull Swordfight Over the Honor of a Dead Woman That Both Men Tried to Ravish
House of There's a Character Named Leo in This
House of I Should Have Rented "Hero"
House of the Reason I Should Have Rented "Hero" Is Because All the Cool Fight Scenes I Thought Were in This I'm Now Pretty Sure Are in That