BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN INDUCTS U2
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame : Waldorf Astoria, NYC 3/15/05

Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Springteen:

"Uno, dos, tres, catorce. The translation is one, two, three, fourteen. That is the correct math for rock 'n' roll. The whole had better equal a lot more than the sum of its parts - or else you're just rubbing two sticks together."

He recalls seeing the band live in the early '80s. It was the last time he saw a group that he'd know each member's name.

"Each members plays a vital role ... a democracy. Which is toxic in rock 'n' roll. In Iraq, maybe. In rock, NO!"

Plus:

"The young Bono singelehandly pioneered the Irish mullet."

Zing! He makes fun of the Edge's name too, before giving props:

"A rare and true guitar original ... dedicated to ensemble playing. But do not be fooled: think Jimi Hendrix, Chuck Berry, Neil Young, Pete Townshend, guitarists who defined the sound of their band and their times."

And the other two. They're not bad either. Boss notes U2's rhythm section provides the "sexuality and dangerousness."

"Adam always strikes me as the sophisticated one ... the tone and depth of his bass playing allowed the band to move from rock to dance ... Larry bears the burden of being the band's requisite good looking member, something overlooked in the E Street Band. We had to settle for charismatic."

Time for Bono's roast. I hope Jeff Foxworthy gets on stage for this one.

"Where do I begin? Jeans designer, soon-to-be World Bank operator, just plain operator, seller of the Brooklyn Bridge -- oh, wait he just played under it. Soon-to-be mastermind of the Bono burger franchise where more than one million stories will be told by a crazy Irishman."

Make fun of the mullet again please.

"Shaman, sheister, one of the most endearingly naked messianic complexes in rock and roll. God bless you man. It takes one to know one. Every good Irish and Italian-Irish frontman knows that before James Brown there was Jesus."

Now it gets good 'cause Bruce starts talking about those fucking iPod commercials. He describes sitting on his couch watching TV with his fourteen-year-old son last year, doing his favorite thing: "tallying up all the money I lost in endorsements over the years."

"Sudenly I hear 'Uno, dos, tres, catorce' ... Oh my god, they've sold out! What I know about the iPod is this: it is a device that plays music. ... I have a ludicrous image of myself that keeps me from cashing in. You can see my problem. Woe is me."

But then he discovered the band wasn't paid for it!

"To do the ad and not take the money: that's smart. That's wily."

Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen MP3 player is coming soon, he jokes, though he will "remember not to accept any money."

After midnight the band plays "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." Bono sprays champagne and serenades Catherine Zeta-Jones in the audience (really).